BLOG: Slogging Through.

Hey friends.

It got warmer this last week in the frozen tundra of the Mitten. Even gonna get up to almost 70 today. Back down to 40s-50s next week, but we are headed in the right direction.

Health-wise, so am I…

I’m down almost 20 pounds. The last couple days have been a bit rougher on me though, so I gotta get back on the horse starting today. Just everything got to me. I’m usually good at avoiding the spiral of depression, where one bad thing piles onto the other thing til all you can see is the negative in your life. Pills help (Thanks Welbutrin!), so does booze. Getting drunk and dancing in your house alone to 80s pop hits can be a nice distraction from the wicked world.

So can making new art. Like here are some recently completed panels for the upcoming STARSLAM book on my Patreon…

Its really coming out great. I’m 105 pages in and just now starting to get to the good parts of the story. On the Pleasant Life front, I still got issues 4-6 to letter. I’m still trying to consider if I should do a Kickstarter for those single issues… or just get all the issues done and do one big trade. That seems like its the more safe bet. Plus I don’t want people to double dip. It would be a BIG book. Almost 300 pages I would think. And I’m only 1/2 way done with the art. I got more parts to draw. Started issue 7 a while back but paused to get STARSLAM going. Now I am in a comfortable place ahead to get back to the Pleasant Life stuff. I just want both of these projects done. I’m enjoying it, but I am looking ahead to when they are both done and on the shelf. AKA “Retirement.”

Yeah, I’ve been thinking a lot about stepping away from comics. Hell, stepping away from everything. I’ve had a damn good run. 31 years in publishing. 19 graphic novels. Sketch card work for Marvel, DC, Dynamite, Star Wars, Mars Attacks, Sherlock Holmes, Titanic, Walking Dead, KISS, Bettie Page and so much more. I got fans literally all over the world. The game has changed. I used to be an old road dog, hitting every convention all over the USA. Now its not cost effective, and the interest in indie comics just isn’t there at conventions. Better to be discovered by someone browsing projects on Kickstarter and the like. I enjoy MAKING the comics, but I despise the BUSINESS end of it. The commerce. The prices. Dragging books from one place to the next. Piling them up in the closet waiting for the next show. I just grow tired of it. I’ve had to turn some local shows down that I could have exhibited at, but just don’t want to run the rat-race anymore. Maybe I’m getting old. I’m not in burnout, just… maybe… evolution. Its not that I’ve “failed,” but more like.. “Ive done it. What else can I do now with the time I have left?”

I have been thinking a lot about writing more. Painting more. Writing music again. Putting together these model kits I keep buying and putting on the shelf. I watch youtube videos on how to paint and light the models. I got video games I’ve bought and not played. A pile of books beside my bed that I don’t read nightly. A stack of DVDs I own and haven’t bothered to watch. I just put a lot of things aside in life to make the art. Problem is, I actually enjoy making the art! But I’m at a point to where things just didn’t really take off like I wanted them to. I’m learning at this stage in my life that indeed, not everyone’s dreams come true. There are a couple major things I’ve always wanted for my life and they just didn’t happen. Its okay. So it goes. But there comes a point where one either just slogs through and bursts through the BS and finds what they are looking for because they never gave up. OR There are those who go on and live beyond those dreams and learn to enjoy other things. Cue that John Lennon song, “Watching the Wheels.” Missing the big time, dreaming your life away. Sometimes I’d love to sit back and just watch things roll.

Do I have to be active and loud in EVERYTHING in the world? Where everyday the paperboy brings me more things to get angry about?

I cannot give you an answer as to what is going on in our country right now. Its like watching your house burn down when everyone standing around you has working fire extinguishers but don’t want to use them. We are such spectacular idiots sometimes. I long for the days where I don’t have to hear the same names over and over again. Open the news feed and think, “Okay, what did they do wrong today?” Hoping that today is the day where we all collectively say “ENOUGH!” and those who fell for it can see the error and correct it, and we find forgiveness. Seems impossible. So I stand back and let the world unfold as it is going to. There’s nothing I can do about it. Perhaps we all need a kick in our complacency. Just to remind us, ya know? As Santayana said: “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

So last night I went out and looked at the moon…

I pulled this old Xmas present out and gave it a whirl. Took me forever to get it going. But after I got it, I beheld the beauty in our night sky that we never look at and take for granted. You want to blow your mind? Download the SKY GUIDE app and point it at the stars at night. Learn something about the roof over our heads. I recently have been watching the new COSMOS, really enjoying it. I hope to switch shifts at the day job soon so I can spend more time at the Planetarium. When you consider how big the universe is, endless amounts of stars and planets… in the recorded history of life on earth according to the calendar, our existence is only in the last two seconds on the night of December 31st. Where are we headed into that new year beyond? I guess that is up to us.

Looking at these things makes politics and the evils of the world seem very small. Arguments like “Which STAR WARS movie is better” become mindless distractions from the big picture. Your own problems that are mountains to climb become a pebble of sand. It all dissipates and becomes nothing. Perhaps its okay when dreams don’t become real. Perhaps its okay to just sit back and enjoy existence for once. We get one shot. One ride. It ends whenever it will. Nothing is guaranteed. We get what we get. No refunds. No do overs. I get sad sometimes that I am experiencing all of this alone. But in the end, we are all ultimately alone on this ball of dust suspended in the endless nothingness. No plan or guide. The universe doesn’t know or care. The world keeps turning even when we are gone. Silently just… being.

I hope you are enjoying your ride. I’m at the point where I have my head off to the side, puking while it spins (I get motion sickness anyway) and we spin around so quick that the vomit I spewed out still lingers and hits me and others near me in the face. Yum. Time to clean myself off yet again and try to smile and enjoy the rest of this whole thing. But it makes me wonder…

I cannot picture my life without a pen in my hand, writing or drawing. Its truly all that I’ve ever had. I’m already starting to realize my days as a father are coming to an end. My kids are all grown up enough to not really need me. Hell, sometimes I even feel like I’m annoying them if I am near. They just want to be free to do their own thing. We all grew into that didn’t we? Leave the nest. I tried to make my art define who I am, it worked to an extent. But it didn’t seem to become anything more than a glorified hobby. I tried to make how I treated others who I was. That too worked to an extent, but eventually I lose touch with everyone I hold dear. Nothing beyond a Facebook thumbs up once in a while. Isolated and alone. I tried to be a good dad. I think I was mostly. But that is coming to the end. Now I am fast approaching 50… unsure what is next. Do I stay here, tread water and wait? Keep going on the art and maybe something will connect and I can do it full time? Do I move somewhere else and start over, living a whole other life... truly leaving it all behind?

I, I'm a new day risin'
I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight
But I, I'm a little divided
Do I stay or run away and leave it all behind?
Uh-uh

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these, time and time again

Can I learn to live again? Not sure if I will ever love again. I give myself away. I give myself away. I give myself away. Let the world walk all over me. I take it. Slap one cheek, let em slap the next. Pay the debts. Pay other’s debts. Cause you feel like you can take it for those who can’t. Is that who I am? When its time to cash in my chips, and the brief time I was here and mattered is gone… what will history remember me as? (If it remembers at all) Sometimes it feels so isolating. So small. So lonely.

Its these big concepts that I have been wrestling with as of late. I’m not sure there is any answer to any of this. Everyone at some point, contemplates the biggest question: “Is this all that I am or ever will be?”

If so, I’m trying to believe that maybe that isn’t such a bad thing. To be content with it, its another matter. We’ll see how it goes.

To end, I want to just say: Thanks for reading my work. Thanks for the support over the years. Thanks for the friendship and memories. I’m still here… slogging through. Just like you. Onward.

Luvs, T

________PLUG TIME!______

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https://bsky.app/profile/phymns.bsky.social

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https://www.drivethrucomics.com/browse/pub/14301/phymns

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https://www.patreon.com/c/ADAMTALLEY

Always feel free to email me at: phymns@yahoo.com