BLOG: Music Heals

Hello Friends. Late night blog. Gathered my thoughts and here we go.

Earlier today, I thought I had lost my mind. That is not hyperbole. I’m actually quite literal. I thought I just snapped. Gone to the farm. Fruity as a nut cake. Straight-jacket city.

It was no single event that caused it. It was a combo of many things. A lot of stuff I won’t get into here but believe me, its enough. But the thing I will say is the ups and downs with the cat are still going on. To recap: My cat Lily developed a bad rash on her belly. I thought it would get better with washing and cleaning but no. So I took her to the vet and they gave me a cream and some ear meds. $400 total. (sigh) So I started doing it. A week into to the process, it started to look a lot better. So I took off the onezee/cone combo and she started licking it again and it got bad again. Back in the onzee. Meanwhile, the youngest cat here keeps randomly attacking Lily any time she attempts to get down on the floor. You know… to eat, drink, poop, etc. She stays on the high ground. And when there, the little one comes and cuddles and licks her like she always has. I am not sure what the issue is. (They are currently seperated as I type this.)

But since Lily will not get down to do her deeds, she’s been peeing and pooping randomly. One day she holed up in my bathroom and pooped on the rugs and in the shower. She peed the blanket on my bed! (Took me two washes with a mix of cleaners to get the smell out. Cat piss is the worst) I came home yesterday and sat my leather bookbag on the bed, turned around and Lily was sitting on it, hunched over, pissing on my bag! I flipped out! I carried her back to the box, which then Luna attacked her again. Hiss, swipe swipe! UGH! So I seperated them again. Wiped my bag off as good as I could and put the blanket that was underneath, which got some pee shrapnel, aside to wash it the next day. I grabbed a spare blanket from the second bedroom. I then continued to wipe the bag in the kitchen.

Upon returning, I laid down on the bed to start drawing… laid in wetness. She now pissed onto the new blanket I just brought in and it soaked through all my sheets and pads!!! So now I washed everything in the middle of the night, twice. Luckily they are all salvaged. I took her out of the onezee to clean and put her back and seperated her again. If the rash doesn’t get better, I read about having to do steroid shots. $600 a pop. I am not sure if that is just online scaring me, but I couldn’t help let the thought get in that I couldn’t afford such an option and would have to make a very hard decsion. I am sure it won’t come to that but the anxiety said otherwise. Overall, I just didn’t know what to do!

Now, my bag… I love that bag. Literally, LOVE it. I’ve had it since college. Over 23 years. Its been everywhere with me, carried so much. Practically every comic I have written and drawn in the last twenty years has passed through that bag in some form or another. Its went all over the USA with me. There’s not a day where I don’t use it. Carries my ipad, paper, journal, books, comics, pills, pens, etc. Everything. I am VERY attached to things and this was going to be a felt loss. I tried again in vain to rescue it but its soaked in there too deep. I took it to the day job one last time to carry my stuff in. Its smelled there the entire day.

So I was feeling that and then the stress of the day job got to me. Nothing more than normal, but it just kept coming and coming. Until at one moment, my brain just pixelated. I combined words and thoughts. I thought I was having a stroke. I was on total autopilot. I logged into a site to transfer files that I normally do… at least I thought I did. What I was actually doing was logging into an online timeclock. I punched in, unneedlessly. Hilariously. Stupidly. My day job is very strict and weird about time punches. I sheepishly messaged the boss to explain what happened and if he could fix it. No problem. And then, I just dropped my head onto the desk. Hard. Like all the gravity on the planet just grabbed me and pulled me down. I laid there, head on the desk. Just gone. Like stone. Frozen. I wasn’t breathing. Was I having a seizure? Was I going mad? I thought of a TNG episode where Data was being overtaken by a computer virus and he says, “Geordi… what does it feel like when you are losing your mind?” I had this overwhelming sensation to want to toss my body into something. Jump into it, fearlessly. Like when Kurt Cobain used to take a running dive into the drumkit… not stablizing himself for the impact whatsoever. I wanted to toss myself into the large printer. The wall. I wasn’t sure why I was feeling this way. But I was alarmed. I wanted to hurt myself somehow. Why? WHY? It just felt like it would feel good if I did that. It felt “right.” Like I needed to do it. I was destined to do that. I can’t explain the sensation other than that. I started thinking about climbing up high and jumping off a roof. Again, not sure why. I hate heights. I never would consider such a thing! Why was I thinking this?

I knew enough to stand up and head outside for fresh air. I just needed a break. A total disconnect. On the way out I was hoping no one would talk to me. I kept my head down to assure that would be the case. I got outside into my car and I just sat in silence. I closed my eyes and it felt like it would hurt if I opened them. I concentrated on my breathing. In/Out. In/Out. I felt no heartbeat. Was I dying? At that point I didn’t care. I just wanted the feeling to end.

Eventually I came to and was able to open my eyes. I took out my phone (now having a cell signal outside… we don’t get one when I am in the office) and started to check my usual things. Maybe I had a message from a friend or my kids or an email from a fan that would lift my spirits. I definitely was going to avoid the news, because whatever “___” was saying or doing today… I didn’t want to deal with it. Got on Bluesky and saw THE BEATLES trending. I thought, “Oh shit… if Ringo or Paul are dead, I am going to literally drive this car into a telephone pole.” But checking further, I found out…

Back in 1995, I was in hardcore discovering The Beatles mode. The Anthology series came out featuring two new songs using John Lennon demos he left behind (He of course died in 1980) and the remaining Beatles added new parts to make “NEW” Beatles songs. There were supposed to be three new songs, but Anthology 3 came and no new song. Later researching, they abandoned the third song cause the recording was unsalvagble due to noise and age of the cassette demo.

Cut to 2023: Peter Jackson developed technology to isolate tracks from a recording mix, using comptuer technology, sorta “adding” to what is there also. Beefing it up. (Call it Ai or whatever you like) And they were able to finish the final Beatles song. “Now and Then” was released that December and I was soooooo grateful for it. The world crashing around me and I got a new Beatles song. And in it, lyrics I needed at the time. I was so excited at the use of this new technology. I thought maybe they could go back and update “Free as a Bird” and “Real Love” in the same way, fixing the mix. But I figured it was not a priority.

But now, today… it was. ATHOLOGY 4 has been announced with more outtakes, some never released before but also fully remixed, remastered versions of those three “new” songs. I saw a sample of “Free as a Bird” and clicked on it. Sure enough, there is John’s voice. Full in the mix. Like he was fucking standing there recording it in front of me.

I wept. Hard. Not out of sadness. But grattitude. Absolute grattitude for what has happened. This song. This thing. The Beatles. I had this new thing coming. It wasn’t over.

(Side note: Of course Anthology 4 doesn’t have the fabled “Carnival of Light” song that everyone is curious about… and also there will be no single release of Anthology 4 by itself to match the other three I bought back in 1995. I would have to buy the new box set and have all four again. But still, its coming. I will have it.)

Reading on I also saw that they were re-releasing the Anthology series (I got it on DVD too BTW) with a bonus episode… with lots of footage of the 1995 sessions. I was always wondering why they didn’t release that before cause I knew stuff was filmed. We even saw more of it during the “Now and Then” video! But it was gonna see the light of day now. Even more to be excited about!

Before I knew it, I was smiling. I walked back inside the place and got to work. I finished the TO DO pile and a wee bit more. I was back. Suddenly, my smelly piss soaked bag beside my desk wasn’t bothering me. I will miss it, but its just a thing. I can buy a new one. The strap broke anyway and duct tape was holding it together. I can now thank this bag for its service and let the beloved old thing go and get a new one that will carry me forward.

When I got home, in the mail I got a book on writing by Stephen King. Its a thing I wanted to get to help me with my upcoming novel writing. Plus, a Nirvana box set I got off of ebay. Its the SINGLES Box set. I already have the songs, but I wanted the discs for “the collection.” The thing the kids will pawn someday for cigarette money when I croak. I hope that moment is many, many, many years from now. I’m not ready to go yet. I got shit to do. I got life to live. NEW BEATLES are coming for me. I want to be ready for it and many years of listening to it and remembering as I type my new books to come after the long trek in the comics is over.

So, music healed me. That is the post.

I cleaned out the photos on my phone to make room to take more when I go to visit my dad this weekend in Illinois. I came across this one…

I was taking trash out the other day and these three blokes were sitting in there. So cute! Like nature was waving at me. I appreciated the cuteness!

I got inside, fed the cats and petted them all, setting up the spare food and litter for the wekened. I emailed an old friend back who is going through a rough time and talked them through their shit. I then just passed the fuck out. Exhausted. Drained.

Got up at 12:30am and burned some mix CDs for the upcoming trip, (incluing the three BEATLES songs mentioned above!) And then decided to do a bit of work. I put the logo on a newly finished image and now I got the cover for STARSLAM book 5, which is now officially called “STARSLAM BEYOND.” Check it…

I’m excited to finish this book. I am excited to start writing. I am excited for my collection expanding. I’m excited that Lily WILL get better. I am excited for new Beatles music and footage. Life, is good. I needed today. So bad. Its almost like I did a shut down and reboot of my mind. So now, I am gonna work my shift, check on the cats, drive down to visit my dad, hit White Castle on the way, see him and come home. I work from home next week and then a holiday weekend where I get to celebrate my son Scott turning 17. Then a work week and then I took some vacation days. Not doing anything special really. Just being at home and getting some various things done. Although I did spring for myself a nize jacuzzi room one of the nights just to get away and relax. A couple weeks after that I will see GARBAGE live. And then I’ll take my best friend to go see DREAM THEATER together. Meanwhile every single day, drawing my comics. Headed toward the finish line with STARSLAM and furthering the adventures here with PLEASANT LIFE.

All that is to come and more. So much more. And I am ready for it. Rebooted. Refreshed. Renergized. See, every Now and Then, I can have Real Love for myself. And when I do, I feel Free As A Bird.

Its the next best thing to be. :)

Thanks for reading, T